


A crow in the meadow

by Raiken



Series: Destiny's Embrace [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Banter, Canon Compliant, Feelings, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Mush, Implicit Mentions of Homophobia, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Sexual Inexperience, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, soft boys in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 14:26:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20676884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raiken/pseuds/Raiken
Summary: With determined eyes, Hyunjin said, “I’m not going to let anyone tell me how to feel or what to do. Alright?”The sunset bathed them in deep orange, he looked mesmerizing with the pearls of sweat sparkling on his skin. He was his first love, Changbin thought. His feelings would stay in deep to the bones even if the odds were against people like them. Maybe they would be together forever? As silly as it sounded. That’s what he wanted, after all. One love; only one, lasting forever.-There are things they learn about themselves only when they're together.





	A crow in the meadow

**Author's Note:**

> Another self-indulgent ChangJin because I miss cute, fluffy ChangJin. I also addressed topics I didn't touch in the first two works. Beware, I poured love on top of their heads so they're just... boyfriends in love!!!
> 
> It has been beta-read, but nothing is perfect, so I apologize if there are mistakes left.
> 
> At last, I want to thank the ones who showed love to the destiny series. I hope you'll enjoy this last chapter as well.

Hyunjin watched the sunset welcome the dark of the night. The moon was already peaking in the horizon, on the other side of the bus, chasing the orange rays bathing the seats and creating shadows around him. A kid was banging his head over his phone, music not so subtle since Hyunjin could hear the heavy melody slicing the silence of the ride. And the bus driver tapped his fingers on the wheel, his radio turned low, playing more classical songs. Then the bus stopped near Changbin’s neighborhood and he got out, searching for his friend in the chilly night.

“Hey,” the older called from his spot against a distant wall. He was all in black, as usual, hands in pockets with his baseball cap hiding his eyes. 

Hyunjin smiled, squeezing the strap of his bag in his sweaty palms. He was nervous even if they saw each other a few days ago as Stray Kids had events to attend and filmings to do. It was different now, no prying eyes watching their every move, no staff to crowd them and no script to learn. Nothing fake, superficial and unreal. Just them, in the empty street where nothing was expected to happen because that was how normal life should have been.

“Hey,” he replied, a heat blooming in his cheeks.

“Why are you blushing? Don’t make it awkward,” Changbin said, his ears turning red as fixed his cap and looked away. He sniffed, scrunching his nose and glanced back at Hyunjin who chuckled at the older’s antics.

“Look who’s blushing now,” the younger teased, walking closer and wrapping his arms around Changbin who in turn held him up and almost lost balance because Hyunjin was taller and probably heavier than him with his backpack adding some weight.

“Welcome!” The older declared as he spinned on himself, tripping on his feet a few times. Of course, that made Hyunjin giggle, so he did it again and they collided against the wall. “I hope you liked the journey,” he said, mirroring the younger’s toothy smile. 

Hyunjin nodded and Changbin kissed him on the cheek.

After that, they went to Changbin’s home to leave the backpack and walked to a cafe to meet some of his friends; the same ones Hyunjin met a few times before. 

By meeting his friends, Changbin included him in his personal life. Hyunjin was already a part of the older’s personal life but it remained a life related to work, and even though their friendship was sincere, there still were things he didn’t know about the other. Watching Changbin shape himself according to who he interacted with was really riveting. And it made the older look way cooler in his mind than he already was.

Changbin shared a darker humour with his childhood friends, darker than what Hyunjin expected. And discussed heavy topics with passion. He had heard 3Racha toy with touchy topics before, but it was different here. Because it wasn’t a workplace, and because they weren’t limited in their words by an inquisitive and higher authority. 

So, Hyunjin watched Changbin, free and opinionated, cool yet cheerful. He watched his smirks; how his eye almost turned into a wink when he side grinned. He saw his sharp canines, and the crease between his eyebrows. He watched how he scratched the back of his ears because his cap had been pushing in too long. He watched him cackle each time his friends teased him and he watched him tease back, and he also noticed how none of them took each other seriously. Unsurprisingly.

They didn’t tease him, though. If they were like Changbin, they understood that he was different. Younger and more sensitive, and probably too naive. Not hardened like they were. But they made it okay for him to be different; they adjusted. Besides, they seemed to really be interested by him. And he suspected them to know about _ them _, because they threw the bait a few times. 

“It’s kinda difficult to behave and not tease you. He requested for us to be nice,” one of the girls told him, grinning slyly. She reminded him of Minho, for some reason. “You’re clearly off-limits.”

Hyunjin couldn’t help the blush burgeoning on his cheeks at the implication. “I’m sorry...” He tried to sound casual but she just cooed at him for being cute, which made him shrink in his seat. 

Later, when they left them and walked under the starry night, Hyunjin asked, “did you tell them?”

“Tell them what?”

“I think they know about us…” He whispered. He didn’t know what to think of his secret not being a secret anymore. He liked having something precious only for Changbin and himself to share, and no one else to know. It was different when people knew, suddenly he felt vulnerable. Like people had a grasp of him and he belonged to them.

“I didn’t say anything,” Changbin started to explain, slightly bumping into him. “They were just teasing you.”

Hyunjin stayed silent, his hands gripping the inside of his pockets. “It doesn’t make me feel good…” He finally said in a small voice.

They slowed their walk, Changbin looked away and Hyunjin looked down.

“Why?” The older asked after long secondes. “I told you they didn’t know.”

“I don’t want anyone to know. I want this to be only for us,” he murmured as he bit his lower lip, trying not to give in his emotions. “I’m not ready, even if only one person knows. I know I said I didn’t care about what people would think, when we were in the studio, but that wasn’t completely true.”

“I know, you don’t have to elaborate,” Changbin softly told him. “I get it. I don’t care either as long as it’s a secret but as soon as people know it changes everything and we’re not safe anymore.”

Hyunjin nodded, holding back his tears. He took his hand out and reached to tug at the older’s jacket, “I’m not impugning what we share. I won’t back off. But I still feel bad.”

“I promise none of my friends know. And if they have doubts, they’ll keep it to themselves. I trust them with that.”

“Okay…” Hyunjin let out in a shaky voice, smiling a bit as Changbin held his hand and put it inside his own pocket. They intertwined their fingers in the warmth of the jacket.

“Do you want to eat anything?” The older suggested when they came across a convenience store.

“I’d love to have ice cream,” he responded, eyeing the different flavors through the front window. “The strawberry chocolate looks good.”

“Okay,” Changbin told him before letting go of his hand and going inside. 

Hyunjin followed him with his eyes while he picked the flavors and quickly paid. In the bright light of the store, he saw his dark circles as well as the hollow of his cheeks and his shaped lips. Changbin didn’t tuck his shirt correctly in his pants either, some of it stuck out of his jacket and his pants were hung low. An off-hand look. Like a little rebel who stopped caring, he thought. 

He shifted his gaze and stared at his own reflection in the glass of the door. He didn’t look better, in fact he looked the same as his friend; he had picked up the habit to dress like him when cameras weren’t around. Obviously, he didn’t look as cool, and he wasn’t naturally intimidating like Changbin either.

“Why are you smiling?” Changbin handed him his ice cream.

“You’re cute when you’re you.”

“What does that mean? Aren’t I always me?”

“C’mon, we’re not really us when we’re all dolled up,” Hyunjin voiced, lips forming a pout.

“Does that mean you don’t like the dolled up me?”

“Nah, I like every you. Just this you better because…” Hyunjin hummed against the pink cream, smearing some on his top lip. “You are more real. Besides, we can freely kiss.”

“We didn’t kiss yet,” Changbin reminded with an impish grin.

They stopped in a small park that was just grass, little flowers and a few empty benches. One streetlight was clicketing so they sat on the ground with their backs facing it. It smelled like cold wind and Hyunjin felt a shiver run down his spin that made him press himself against Changbin.

“Maybe the ice cream wasn’t a good idea,” the older said, amused.

“No, it is. I’m starving, I didn’t eat anything since I took the bus.”

“You should eat mine then.”

“But I want to taste vanilla when I kiss you,” Hyunjin complained.

“And when is that? I’m impatient,” the older groaned, his legs getting restless. He loved kissing more than anything. He loved flustering Hyunjin with bites and his tongue, and he loved how it made his own heart palpitate in happiness. Kissing was how he expressed his feelings the most accurately, it could last hours until their lips were sore and dry from spit and teeth.

And Hyunjin’s lips were the only ones he ever longed for.

“When I’ll be done eating,” the younger responded while munching.

“You’re supposed to lick it, you know,” Changbin remarked. 

Hyunjin stuck his tongue out and kept eating the ice cream like it was a cake.

“You’re too cute,” he grumbled, looking away from his pink tongue and creamy mouth.

“I know,” the younger smiled. “You’re cute too, especially when you’re sulking.”

“I’m not cute, I’m a dark and cool rapper.”

Hyunjin chuckled, “of course. You’re the best!”

Changbin grinned as they met eyes and the younger added, “I mean it.” He then leaned down and smooched his cheek with cold wet lips.

“Ugh, when it’s not your sweat, it’s whatever you’re eating!” The older wiped his cheek with the back of his hand.

Hyunjin finished chewing and leaned again, to peck his mouth this time. However, that wasn’t enough for Changbin who cupped his cheek and kissed him. Sticky ice cream kisses that tasted like processed vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. But it was an amazing taste for Changbin, because anything Hyunjin was amazing anyway.

They laid down and kept kissing, fingers stroking their hair and knees brushing. It lasted a few minutes until they decided to part to stare in each other’s eyes. 

“I think I’m getting dumb from all the things I feel,” Hyunjin smiled. “I can’t believe I’m doing what happens in the dramas.”

Changbin turned on his back and gazed at the sky. With a crooked grin, he said, “this is what I see when I look into your eyes.”

“What?”

“Stars.”

“Oh my god,” Hyunjin enunciated in English while pulling his collar over his face to hide his blush.

“Man, I’m so good at this.”

“At what?” The younger’s voice was muffled by his clothes.

“At making you blush. You went from icy prince to hot prince in one second.”

“I’m not a prince…” He whined, emerging from his hiding place. “I’m normal.”

Changbin drank him in; pouty lips, insecure black eyes and rosy cheeks. He was so, so beautiful. And so adorable as well, with his hands curled against his chest, the sleeves covering his knuckles so only his skinny fingers were shown. So adorable.

Hyunjin hated those kind of compliments, though.

“Normal temperature prince?” The older decided to joke.

Hyunjin slightly hit him and turned on his back. “I’m nothing. No temperature. Nothing.”

“I guess no more kisses if you’re nothing.”

The younger looked at him and scrunched his nose. Two dimples appeared on each of his cheeks.

Changbin held his hand, softly rubbing the back of it. 

It stayed quiet for a while, with only the sound of their breathing and the few cars passing by. 

“Hey… what do you think of my friends, anyway? I never asked.”

“They’re fun,” Hyunjin simply replied. 

“What kind of fun?”

“The interesting type.” He pictured each of them in his mind. 

The girl who reminded him of Minho looked so atypical, her hair pink and piercings all over her ears. She had some on her lips and one on her tongue too. And she spoke like she didn’t care about anything except her family. Her friends were her family too, she clarified when he stupidly _ asked what about your friends? _ She had a black pet snake named Bobby and she showed him pictures of it wearing hats and a fake moustache.

The guy, her boyfriend, had a tattoo of Bobby around his middle finger, and Hyunjin remembered how funny it was when the guy gave him the one-finger salute. He reminded him of Chan, goofy and friendly and open to discuss everything. But he looked like a goth version of Chan, ripped pants and dirty combat boots and a lot of rings shaped like skulls.

Changbin’s best friend was extremely laid-back, he had a low voice but squeaked when he laughed. His eyes were sharp and Hyunjin didn’t like when he stared at him because he felt like he stripped him of his soul. One of his teeth was missing, a canine, but he said that he didn’t care, that it made him look cool. Changbin approved, of course. Hyunjin thought he looked more like a clown than anything, but he had to admit that it had its style.

The last girl was a kind of tomboy. Her hair was cut short and she wore large pants with baggy shirts. She was really pretty and smelled like spice, like pepper, something he never smelled on the few girls he interacted with. She gave him some weird brown chewing gum and it made his tongue tingle. It amused her. She liked gaming but she hated gamers, _ they are all dumb fucking assholes, they think they’re better ‘cause they have dicks but they can’t even clean those smelly sticks _. Hyunjin remembered being so shocked his eyes popped out and she clasped his knee, grinning. 

They weren’t that much older than him either, half of them were born the same year as Changbin, and the Bobby girl was a Scorpio like Minho. 

All of them were fascinating. Although they looked like they didn’t belong together, their minds clearly did. Their personalities were the most intriguing though, it put him in shame because he was so boring. He wasn’t funny, and lacked knowledge in so many topics. All he had were his looks and all people ever liked were his looks. Honestly, he wondered why Changbin chose him instead of… anyone else.

“What are you thinking about?” Changbin asked him, brows furrowed, probably sensing his sorrow.

“They’re just so interesting. They’re like you, cool and confident, and unusual but in a good way.” 

“Why do you sound so sad?” The older straightened himself, looking down at him with worry.

Hyunjin bit his lip as he glanced away.

“Look at me,” Changbin inquired while tugging at his hand to make him sit as well. “You can talk to me.”

“I’m just… so boring,” he stated in a sigh. “I was nothing, then I could rap because I was helped. You helped me, and I can dance but I’m still unsure about myself. I’m nothing without all of that.”

“That’s not true.” Changbin was about to elaborate but instead hugged Hyunjin who started tearing and hid his face against his chest.

“And I’m always crying,” he sobbed quietly. “Why am I always crying?”

“It’s just how you express your emotions, there’s nothing wrong with that,” the older told him, kissing the top of his head. “I hate when you bring yourself down. You have no idea how good you are at everything you try. You are passionate and resilient. It’s okay to have doubts, though. You’re you, you don’t have to be like me or like anyone.”

Changbin’s heart tightened. Of course, he wished for Hyunjin to gain more confidence, but self-assurance came with time and through progress. The younger could move forward at his own pace, Changbin would never tell him to hurry. All he desired was to encourage his friend and listen to his worries. Besides, he chose this Hyunjin, with his insecurities, his sadness and his soft heart. With his stupid hand gestures, his childish shouts and his giggles. With his bad temper, because that happened too.

“I love you,” he whispered.

And Hyunjin sniffed, looking at him with red puffy eyes and mucus running down his nose.

He laughed, making Hyunjin frown and wipe his face miserably. “How are you still so cute?”

“Oh my god, you’re so smitten!” Hyunjin groaned, flopping back on the grass and crossing his arms over his chest. “I could even throw up and you’d find a way to think I’m endearing.”

“Well, no. Vomit is too gross. I can deal with mucus though,” he teased.

Hyunjin scrunched his nose in disgust and sniffled again, whining because his nose kept running. Changbin scooted closer and leaned down to kiss his salty lips, not grossed out at all.

“Shouldn’t we go?” The younger whispered against his mouth. “Crying is exhausting.”

They stood up in the direction of the house, holding hands in one of Hyunjin’s pockets.

“Would it be alright to see my friends again?” Changbin broke the silence. “I mean, I like when you’re with us.” It felt right as well. Besides, his friends already adopted Hyunjin.

“Of course, I like them.”

“Really?”

“Yes. They make you happy,” the younger softly said. “I like seeing you happy.”

Changbin’s ears turned red at that, and he shrunk in his jacket.

Hyunjin watched him with a smile, squeezing their hands in the safety of his pocket.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Changbin’s home was the best place for kissing sessions and cuddles. His house was vast. Too many rooms for only three people, given that his older sister left to live with her boyfriend a few months ago. It was like a secret place where they could catch up on months without _ being _ together. It was hard to yearn for someone you couldn’t touch. And it was equally as hard to switch off their feelings, so they would forget their hearts longed for each other until they were alone, their fingers brushing and their eyes glowing knowingly.

Changbin loved inviting Hyunjin here, even if they didn’t do anything except hang out in his bedroom or in the garden. He loved watching the younger sleep in his bed, wear his clothes, jump on his trampoline and stare at his mother’s paintings. He absolutely loved having new memories to make; memories that weren’t practice rooms, concerts or variety shows. Memories that were simple but meant more to him.

“What are you doing?” Hyunjin asked him, folding his towel on top of the desk’s chair and tidying his regular clothes up in his bag. His hair was still a bit wet, and his skin was glistering from the lotion he applied earlier.

It smelled like both of their shampoos, like the remains of soap on their wet towels, and it smelled like the sodas they left on the windowsill.

“Listening to stuff Chan and Jisung sent me,” he answered from his bed, were his laptop was warming his thighs. “Do you want to listen to it? Maybe you could help me give feedback.”

“Okay,” the younger agreed, hands on his hips and waiting in front of the bed.

Changbin straightened up a bit on the pillows, set his laptop next to him and played the first instrumental. Slow with only percussions and the sound of piano. He watched Hyunjin sway a bit, but his body stayed stiff.

“You don’t like it?” 

“Nah, it’s too boring.”

“Why?”

“Because it doesn’t make me wanna dance.”

“Alright. Next one is from Jisung.”

Hyunjin listened to the intro carefully, swaying his hips faster this time. He started stretching, to Changbin’s delight. He was as usual wearing shorts and a t-shirt, so he was just all legs and a few flashes of tummy. However, when leaned to the side, the shirt being too lose rode down his waist to cover his face, making him try to pry it off and fall over against the desk chair.

Naturally, Changbin began laughing like a hyena.

“You can’t check me out and make fun of me at the same time!” Hyunjin protested with hands on his hips. His t-shirt was now comically tucked in his shorts.

“Alright, I promise that I’ll just do one at a time. Sorry!” Changbin apologized, still grinning because Hyunjin looked harmless even with the darkest eyes and deepest frown. “Next is from Chan.” He played the electronic instrumental.

The younger started to slightly jump and bang his head. Then he started doing martial arts moves in the rhythm of the beat, like karate and kung fu. As expected, Changbin’s promise cracked. He laughed harder than before; Hyunjin looked so silly, his long limbs were too uncoordinated, also he lost his balance a few times.

“I guess you like this one,” he said, smiling up at the younger who mirrored him.

“Yeah, that was fun!”

He played the fourth track consisting of a lot of bass.

Hyunjin swirled, rolling his hips like people do in western movies. He was cocky and confident, and also bolder than what Changbin used to see; which made the latter swallow thickly, heat growing in the low of his belly.

“That was hot,” he commented. 

Hyunjin grinned mischievously, and the fifth track played. This one was sultrier, Changbin thought. Like a female song, even if music remained genderless.

He watched Hyunjin dance like their female coworkers did on stage. Fluid and sexy. It fit him, of course it did, Changbin lacked impartiality here. His boyfriend was the best, after all. Even when he overly jutted his small butt, even when he felt himself like he had curves, even when arched his lean back while touching his thigh. He lost his balance again and Changbin chuckled.

“It’s too hard,” Hyunjin panted. “They do all that in high heels!”

“Women are awesome. But you were good and really creative,” the older praised him. “One more to go and it’s all done!”

Hyunjin took a deep breath, sweat already pearling on his hairline. The last track was less noisy and messy, and more sensual. He let the music invade his head and his body. At first, he imagined a choreography for the eight of them, but it transformed into a solo performance.

“You really love this one,” Changbin noted, shifting against the pillows. He wiped his clammy hands on the blanket but it didn’t help. Hyunjin really did awake the carnal part in him. That being said, he felt like he reduced Hyunjin to a stripper; not that strippers were wrong, but he didn’t like sexualizing the younger. Sexual desires were quite disconcerting, as he was young and very horny. And he missed Hyunjin a lot, all the time. But he still didn’t want to freely express his ache, especially knowing how insecure and innocent the younger was. 

Hyunjin was so alluring and cute and precious. He wondered if it were possible for his heart to explode with love and want. Was it possible to choke from loving too much? Because that how he felt, his heart was racing like it wanted to get out and burst.

Suddenly, in the middle of the track, Hyunjin climbed into the bed and straddled him.

“You’re eating me with your eyes,” he said in a smile.

“Sorry...”

Hyunjin leaned down to kiss him, his hands slid under his shirt and went up to his pecs, where they rested and applied pressure. Changbin held his waist, thumbing at the hollow of his hips then caressing his moist back as he sat up to nibble his neck.

“Take it off,” Hyunjin urged, tugging at his shirt.

He let him pull it off and leave it over the laptop who had carried on playing music. 

They shared heated kisses with gasps in between. Until Hyunjin started rolling his hips down his bugle and the kisses slowed, turning more passionate and less hungry.

Then the younger hastily took off his own t-shirt, skin moist and sparkling under the light. He started down at him with fogged eyes, his lips puffier, and cupped his pecs with an appreciative look. He kept grinding down, slow but firm. His breath hitched when Changbin palmed his thighs, then his butt, from the inside of his shorts.

“You’re so pretty,” the older let out, leaving kisses on his chest, hard and in love. “I want you so much.”

Hyunjin smiled between whines and leaned down to kiss him.

Changbin held him strong against his chest, his hips bucking up to chase his own pleasure. Soon, the younger came in a delicious whimper that almost made him erupt in his pants too. But he was still hard, and Hyunjin stopped moving to catch his breath in the crook of his neck.

When his breathing slowed, Hyunjin looked down at the older’s bulge.

“You’re still hard,” he said with a pout, poking him there.

“Hey!” Changbin shout as his oversensitive dick twitched again.

“I’ll help you.”

With that, Hyunjin scooted backwards, sitting in the middle of his legs, and slid his pants and boxers down in one swift move.

“What are you doing?” The older asked in surprise. He didn’t expect Hyunjin to give him a blowjob right away. To be honest, he thought that would come later in their relationship, when they would both be comfortable in their bodies and their sexuality.

“I want to make you feel good,” the younger explained while he took him in his hand and leaned his mouth.

“No.”

Hyunjin froze.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured in a small voice, letting go and shrinking in his place. “I should have asked first.”

“No, you did nothing wrong,” the older asserted. He covered himself with one of their t-shirts, not that he felt self-conscious, but the context changed, and being naked and exposed that way didn’t fit.

“But you said no... ?”

“It’s just… you’re not ready for that. Don’t force yourself.”

Hyunjin frowned, “why not? You did it for me last time.”

That was true, he gave the younger a blowjob. His very first blowjob. It was clumsy and honestly, Changbin just went with the flow since he had no idea how it worked. But he was mentally and physically prepared, that was something he wanted to do for a long time already.

“You don’t have to repay me.”

“But… I want to make you feel as good as I felt.”

Changbin saw the determination in the black pools of eyes. Frankly speaking, he didn’t want to tell the younger what to do, but he also hated the fact that this moment right now could scare him.

“Okay,” he agreed, resting on his elbows and watching Hyunjin take him in his hand again. He felt his breath ghost over his dick and a tentative tongue lick at the tip.

It was hard to stay still and not thrust up when his deepest fantasies slowly became reality.

Then Hyunjin went down on him and it felt amazing. Warm and wet and amazing.

But he stopped in the middle, carefully pulling the penis out of his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again.

Changbin tucked himself in his pants and loosely wrapped his arms around Hyunjin. Giving him a bit of space but still staying close.

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay.”

“How did you do?”

“I just… did.”

“Weren’t you scared?”

“Not scared but I was worried that I’d do a poor job. That you wouldn’t like it.”

“I loved it! It felt good, that’s why I wanted to try too, but I felt like I was suffocating.”

“Hey, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. In fact, we don’t have to do anything.”

“I want to. I want to do everything. It just seems easier in my head…” Hyunjin said in a sigh, resting his forehead against Changbin’s. “Can we put on our shirts?"

“Of course.”

So they did, and they laid down facing each other.

“What about you? I still want to do something,” the younger voiced in concern.

“Well…” Changbin hadn’t softened despite switching his lust off.

He saw Hyunjin adorn a timid grin and felt him move his leg between his thighs to apply pressure right where he needed it. He then kissed him and slipped his hand in his pants to tug a few times before Changbin came in a groan.

“You’re the best,” Hyunjin sofly said, pecking his nose, his cheek, his forehead and finally his mouth. He rubbed their noses, some sort of sadness filling in his eyes. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

“Why are you sad?” Changbin gently brushed back the hair sticking on his forehead.

“I’m not sad…” He trailed, looking away for a second.

“Tell me.”

“Okay... I’m sad, but a happy sad? If that makes sense. I’m just grateful that you’re very patient with me and that you know what I need to hear. And I never thought I’d meet someone who understands me like you do.”

Changbin hummed in encouragement as Hyunjin hid his face in his neck and squeezed him between his arms tighter. He recognized the signs of when Hyunjin’s thoughts were in a jumble: turns between silences and confessions, lip biting, a slight frown and his body tensing and untensing while he processed his thoughts.

“I just feels right to be together,” the younger said with assurance.

“It does,” the older confirmed. 

After that, they cleaned themselves and turned the lights off. Changbin scrolled the messages sent by Chan and Jisung before telling them that he would give them feedback tomorrow. To which, the youngest rapper asked what was taking him so long, and he replied that he was with Hyunjin. 

“Aren’t you guys getting tired of seeing each other all the time?” Jisung sent with a whole load of laughing characters. Changbin just typed, “you’re always hanging with Minho and his cats but you don’t see me bitch about it.” And Chan spammed them with a gif of a crying Pikachu, “kids, stop fighting and go write lyrics or something.” He snorted, searching for funny gifs and the conversation turned into chaos.

“You’re going to hurt your eyes,” Hyunjin suddenly mumbled, limbs all around him. “You can’t lose your eyes.”

“Why not?”

“Because who’s going to look at me like I’m wonderful, then?” He said in a pout.

Changbin chuckled and then watched as the pout turned into a cocky grin.

“I’m sure you’ll find someone,” he teased back.

“I don’t want someone. I want you,” the younger protested, slightly smacking him. “But it’s okay, you’d still have your heart. And I could listen to it to know how you feel.” With that, he moved his head to rest against his chest, where the heart was thumping.

“What if my heart stops beating? Then what?”

Hyunjin shot him a dark stare, “don’t say things like that!”

“Okay. I’m sorry,” the older apologized, but he was still amused by the random confessions. Who knew what was happening in that pretty little head? This was who he chose; a boy riddled with self-doubt, shy with his words but expressive with his emotions, with his eyes, with his body. Vulnerable and resilient at once. Also, Hyunjin probably didn’t know how revelatory his non-verbal was. Changbin couldn’t lose his eyes, because his eyes were the tool to observe Hyunjin’s sparkle each time he did something stupid, or said something deep or just humbly showed his rap skills.

Without his eyes, he wouldn’t be able to connect with Hyunjin.

“I’m trying to be romantic here,” the younger whined.

Changbin chuckled, looking down to see Hyunjin’s toothy smile. 

“I never noticed, but you really have big round teeth,” he playfully said.

Offended, the younger untangled himself and rolled to the other side of the bed.

“Good night.”

Changbin giggled, reaching to tickle Hyunjin who at first tried to hold back his laugh, but miserably failed when he got tickling kisses on his neck.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Boys?” Hyunjin’s mother called from the living room. “I’m going to the market. Do you want to join me?”

“The market? It’s been so long since I’ve been there,” Jeongin said, sitting on the floor with Kkami on his lap.

“Okay mom,” Hyunjin answered as he rolled on his bed, closing the book he was reading. “Maybe we’ll find cool stuff.”

So they walked to the local market. Jeongin was happily holding Kkami in his arms, because under the scorching sun, the ground was way too hot for his little paws. “Don’t dogs have like… dog socks or something?” He had asked, trying to stop Kkami from licking his chin. “Stop! I’m going to get pimples!” He had half-heartedly complained, to Hyunjin’s amusement.

The place was as crowded as a market could be, especially since there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood. People were smiling and chatting loudly at each stand, sharing samples of their food or bargaining animatedly. Both boys missed the normalcy of life, being themselves disposable goods in the hands of the industry, it was amazing for them to be there and engage with regular people.

“Honey, I’m going to get veggies. You can look around if you want,” his mother told him before disappearing in the bunch.

They passed a few stands, until they spotted jewelry. Of course, Jeongin stopped there to look at all the rings and necklaces. He preferred the silver ones but he found animals shaped rings in fake gold so he decided to buy them for the members. Fox, cat, bunny, dog, squirrel, wolf.

“What should we get Changbin?” Jeongin asked, studying each animal.

“Doesn’t he look like a cat?” Hyunjin suggested. “A black cat.”

“But we already have a cat. And there’s no lama for you.”

“There’s a crow here. Crows are tiny and dark, just like him.”

“And they’re as unnecessarily loud!”

Jeongin bought the crow for Changbin, and found a weasel for Hyunjin, since the animal was flexible and lean just like his friend. The rings were silly, but that’s why he loved them. He found some vintage looking rings and picked a few goth necklaces as well because it looked cool and aggressive.

After that, they came across a stationer’s stand who sold handmade notebooks. The bindings were weirdly pretty and the covers touched all genres: horror, minimalism, sci-fi, pop culture and so on.

“Shouldn’t we take notebooks for 3Racha?” Jeongin asked. “Nevermind, they’re expensive.”

“I want to buy one for Changbin though...” Hyunjin said, eyeing the various covers.

“Why? I bet they all use their phones or laptops to type ideas and lyrics anyway.”

“Probably, but what if their phones die or reset?”

“That would be so funny,” the singer replied impishly.

Hyunjin grinned and decided to buy a small and flexible, black notebook. On top of the cover was written _ Shit I can’t say out loud. _

Soon, they explored all the market and met Hyunjin’s mother in a coffee shop where the three of them shared a huge milkshake.

“I really hate sweet things, but this one was good,” she said, holding Kkami’s leash while they held her bags.

“How come you have so many candies at home then?” Hyunjin demanded, wondering why the cupboard was so full each time he came home. There were too many snacks for him alone, that’s why he always brought what he couldn’t eat at the dorm.

“Because you like them, duh,” she dead-panned.

Jeongin laughed and she winked at him, “and so do your friends.”

At home, they ate dinner, then decided to watch a drama together. Of course, Hyunjin started sobbing in the middle and was a crying mess during the ending credits. His mother rubbed his back, amused because he had such a soft heart. She hoped he could harden with time even though his sensitivity touched her. 

“You’re still my little boy,” she fondly told him as she pinched his cheek.

“Mom!”

Jeongin patted his knee and jokingly said, “how can you sweat that much with all the tears you shed?”

Hyunjin flopped against him, “just hug me.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


They went to a narrow but long shop with many sections for all book lovers. Hyunjin liked coming here to pick his novels. It was occasional, thus each time here was very precious. Usually, he ordered everything online, given that he barely had time outside of his hectic life. But he loved the varnished smell of paper as well as the quietness around him.

“Last time I came in a place like this, I was like… fifteen,” Changbin spoke in a low voice. “Maybe that’s why I have spelling issues.”

Hyunjin smiled, watching the older’s nervous demeanor. He had his hands in his pockets, uncharacteristically fidgeting and looking around like he didn’t know what to do.

“Are you really that uncomfortable?” He asked in surprise. “It’s just books.”

“It’s not just books. It reminds me that I barely read anything except scripts and shit like that,” the older shrugged. “You know I sometimes ask Seungmin to proofread my lyrics, right?”

“I don’t believe you. C’mon, you’re not bad at spelling. You know so many words, you can rhyme and you have a wide vocabulary.”

“Well, I’m a genius.”

“You are,” Hyunjin softly agreed. 

Changbin grinned, bumping into him and announcing that he was looking for books with pictures in them. He left the younger in the romance novels section and wandered around, not knowing what to do. He thought about his friends, about Bobby, so he picked a work about reptilians.

He flipped the pages to the snake category and read about their origin. There was the skeleton, reminding him of a caterpillar which looked curiously weird. He took out his phone to type about strangers who wanted different people to be over, dead, just skeletons. Strangers who made a living into putting kids _ like them _ in a hole. Strangers who were wicked bad but also foolishly dense to think kids _ like them _ couldn’t survive and crawl under their skin like demons who wouldn’t stop visiting. 

There was the skull, the jawline, he wrote about those strangers being bad for their health, strangers who stared at them while they swallowed them whole and there was no way to stop them. 

There were the two sharp teeth, he thought about being born between two death sentences, the venomous life was a path between the two.

He sighed, his mood going down at the reminiscences of all the bad things happening in a life. Not particularly his, but every life, everywhere. How things were done and unfair and how powerless, angry and depressed one could feel. “The bad is like an undying disease,” he lastly typed.

So he kept looking at covers until he reached a more obscure section; dark covers, geometrical patterns and spooky titles. To be honest, it looked cool even if he had no idea what half of the books were about. 

Something caught his eye; he read witch and magical and dark, and he knew it was for him. For his weird curiosity with darkness. Also… many of the terms used sounded like races and classes in games the others liked to play.

Maybe he’d buy this one, and maybe he’d buy the one about mythological creatures too. He saw a werewolf and werewolves were cool. That was very childish of him, but he was intrigued and willing to learn about new things. Weren’t books available to educate and inspire people, after all?

“Hey,” Hyunjin whispered with a smile. “Did you find anything?”

“Yeah, with a lot of pictures.”

The younger eyed the two books he was holding, then glanced around, scrunching his nose. “It looks… strange,” he finally commented.

“Just say that it scares you,” Changbin teased.

“It’s not halloween yet.”

“But it’s fun! Look… a dragon! And there’s a mermaid, she’s really pretty. Just like you!”

Hyunjin studied him, lips curling up as the older kept naming all the weird creatures. Honestly, his enthusiasm and thirst for learning even the weirdest things was endearing. He had sides Hyunjin never saw in anyone before and he wasn’t afraid to like _ different _ things. To be him, curious, nonjudgmental and open to new subjects.

“Why are you smiling and being quiet?” Changbin suddenly asked, books closed and kept under his armpit.

“I think Chan, Felix and Jeongin would love it to skim over it,” Hyunjin finally said, heart full.

“Yeah. See, I have good taste,” the older grinned.

They paid and went to grab a drink, sipping as they walked under the grey sky. Although the sun was absent, the hot, saturated air grew stuffier by the time they reached Changbin’s home. Hyunjin went upstairs to take a shower, he started sweating as soon as they stepped outside of the library. “I told you you were a mermaid, all that water...” Changbin had teased him, amused by Hyunjin’s side, black look.

He went outside, in the flowery garden adorned by a few fruit trees and lanterns. It wasn’t big but it was enough for barbecues and for kids playing the wolf game. Memories of his sister and their friends playing here when they were young flooded his head. Despite the rush of nostalgia, regret had never been able to upset him. He wasn’t the type to look back and idealize the good old times. He wanted to go onward and upward, and not being held back by the past and what could possibly sadden him.

He sat on the large bench, on top of the comfortable pillows and the blanket thrown over them. He set his laptop on his knees, the books discarded on the tea table where he also stretched out his feet. He began typing his feedback to Chan and Jisung when Hyunjin entered the patio and flopped down on the pillows. He laid down his legs until his toes poked Changbin’s thigh. 

He wore yellow socks with one red apple on each ankle, which confused Changbin because all their socks were either black or white or both.

“Whose socks are you wearing?” He asked, pinching the tip to slip one off Hyunjin’s feet.

“Yours?” The younger answered with a kick. “I found them in your drawer.”

“Since when do I wear colors? I’m dark.”

“Weren’t you a clown before debuting in Stray Kids, though?” Hyunjin retorted in a teasing tone.

Changbin grinned while wrapping his fingers around his ankle and abruptly pulling him, making him slide on the pillows and hit his head against the bench. “Those are my sister’s.”

Hyunjin kicked him again. “I’m sure she doesn’t mind. She probably put them in your drawer because she doesn’t use them anymore.” He kept giving slight kicks, mostly to annoy. In the end, they were both giggling from the little fight between feet tickles and wiggly toes.

“Get your feet off my face!” Changbin playfully grabbed his calf, squeezing the muscle and earning a yelp from the younger who retracted his legs and sat back against the pillows. His feet now in a safe distance between them.

“What are you doing, anyway?” The younger asked, shifting to a better position and opening his novel.

“E-mailing Chan and Jisung. Then… work.”

Hyunjin hummed. He watched Changbin put on his airpods, his eyes focusing on his laptop and a crease forming between his eyebrows as he typed on the keyboard. He liked it; the two of them in the garden, doing separate things but being together. The simplest moments of life were as exceptional as the intensity of their artist’s life, if not more because they remained rare and thereby invaluable.

Simple was them. From their special friendship to the way they chose to live it; actions were what reflected their feelings more than words could. Simple was what made their bond easy for him to fathom. Simple was what allowed him not to overthink, not to let wild thoughts swamp his head and repudiate his feelings.

Changbin made it easy for him to understand despite his many layers. He was honest with his intentions, honest with his feelings and honest with himself.

Lying there, watching him sometimes frown, sometimes grin or snicker, he knew that he’d never want to be anywhere else.

With that, he opened his novel. About love and pain and what’s in between. Romance in books and movies were so different from his reality. Yes, all the fictional stories were made to be sensational and extremely stirring, at least for his soft heart. But he wondered why they were all... so visceral. Like pain was the only way to love; the only way to live too. Sometimes death as well.

“Hey,” Changbin called out to him. “You seem on edge.”

Hyunjin didn’t notice how tense he was until he let out a breath and looked up at the older. 

“It’s just the story,” he said, folding the upper corner of the page and closing the book. “It’s sad.”

“Maybe you should take a break?” Changbin suggested as he took his airpods off and put aside his laptop before stretching whole. “I’m going to take a break too, my ears are bleeding.”

“Okay, let’s take a break while we can,” he agreed, but his mind was still in a pit of sorrow. His arms were tight around his knees, caging the book against his chest.

Of course, Changbin noticed. Worry filled in his eyes and he asked, “what’s wrong?”

Hyunjin’s face scrunched up. 

“Is there always something wrong with me?” In truth, he was sick with himself; sick of his worries and his need for help and soothing words. Sick of not being independent in his feelings and how he perceived the world around him.

“What? No! It’s just… I know you wouldn’t talk about it if I didn’t ask. And I don’t want you to feel like you should be alone with whatever upsets you.”

He knew that already. How many times was he told that he could freely open up? His friends would always be there for him. But somehow, he still needed confirmation.

“Do you think we will last?” He murmured against his knees.

Changbin rested his head against the back of the bench, looking at the twilight. “I don’t know but I certainly hope so. I’ll work for it.”

“What if you dump me for a girl?” 

“Is that what happened in your book?”

“Well, yes. But it can happen to everyone.”

“I won’t dump you. Not for a girl. Not for a boy. Not for anyone,” the older responded in an assertive tone, averting his eyes to meet his. “Why would you even think that?”

He sounded hurt. Something stung inside of Hyunjin’s heart.

“I’m not accusing you, it’s just a general statement. When I look around and see how people break up and find new partners. It just scares me. What if we fall out of love?”

Changbin looked away with an expressionless face, “you’d be the first to fall out of love then.”

“No way!” Hyunjin shout. He threw his book to the tea table and crawled towards the older. “I don’t want anyone. I don’t want to fall out of love. I don’t want to be in love with someone else.”

“Maybe you’ll find someone better than me someday,” Changbin simply responded. “Better looking, I mean.”

Hyunjin widened his eyes. “What?” He gasped.

Changbin felt himself burst into laughter when he saw Hyunjin’s offended face. He was cute, he thought. His eyes round and uncharastically angry, his mouth agape and his hair already sticking to his sweaty forehead.

“Are you already sweating from thinking too much?” He joked, tucking the wet strands of hair behind his ear.

Hyunjin let out a sigh, his shoulders slumping and he let himself fall against Changbin to snuggle up to him.

“I don’t care about the norm. About the others. I don’t even look at them, I don’t care!” His knees banged together from his apparent nerviness so Changbin rested his hand on one of them and rubbed the bone there. “You’re the best to me. You’re interesting, protective and _ so cool _ and I love everything about you. I love how you look at me and I love your lips when you kiss me.” He started sniffling, his voice breaking with each other. “Are you not allowed to be beautiful just because you don’t fit this stupid norm? Am I not allowed to be attracted to you? Why can’t I be attracted to you?” 

He was crying now.

“Don’t cry because of me,” Changbin softly told him, his heart tight and beating fast in his rib cage. 

“Don’t you believe me?” Hyunjin asked between sobs.

“I believe you.”

“I love you so much,” the younger whispered in a whimper.

Changbin stopped breathing, something fat and panicked hammering against the insides of his chest. Something that wanted to leave, tear him apart, break his bones, climb up his throat, blow his eyeballs to pieces and crack his skull, free and finally _ living _. 

Love was dark, big, a violent shadow within his ribs. Love was caged for too long and wanted to disperse in the warmth of the crepuscule. Love was a fog in his head, creeping under his skin, like a drug, his mind all clouded by his feelings. Love was making him dizzy, all his emotions colliding, because love was untamed, bigger than him and beyond him.

“I love you too,” he let out in a choke. 

Love had to stay _ in _, it was his feelings for Hyunjin, as confusingly violent as they were.

Hyunjin looked up at him, and with shiny, unwavering eyes, he said, “I’m not going to let anyone tell me how to feel or what to do. Alright?”

Changbin nodded, “me too.”

The sunset bathed them in deep orange, Hyunjin looked mesmerizing with the pearls of sweat sparkling on his skin. He was his first love, Changbin thought. His feelings would stay in deep to the bones even if the odds were against people like them. Maybe they would be together forever? As silly as it sounded. That’s what he wanted, after all. That’s how he depicted love. One love; only one, lasting forever.

“I have something for you.” Hyunjin suddenly moved out his embrace to crouch down in front his bag and take out a rectangle book. “I know you mainly use your phone to write ideas, but the title sounded like you.”

Changbin squinted to read _ Shit I can’t say out loud _ in small but fat golden letters.

“That sounds like me,” he grinned, flipping the blank pages and playing with the souple cover. It was fake black leather, the paper inside was smooth and white, but the edges remained black. “Thank you.”

Hyunjin pecked his cheek.

After that, they ate dinner with Changbin’s parents who had came back from work. They lit all the candles and helped cook, then helped clean before they settled in the living room with traditional korean desserts. They chatted about Stray Kids, of course. 

Changbin’s parents were rational, understanding and encouraging people despite their apparent reserve. They said they were proud of their son, and that stopped there. Hyunjin figured that it was because Changbin knew their opinion already and also because he was aware of the value of his own talent. He was skilled, diligent and ambitious. He didn’t allow anyone to bring him down and he took everything as challenges he would sooner or later win. He was confident, Hyunjin admired him for that. 

Changbin was… _ so cool _, for lack of better words.

So he watched them chat, Changbin more animatedly than his parents, and he saw _ trust _ when they looked at their son.

Eventually, they headed to bed. Hyunjin showered first, Changbin second. And when the latter entered the bedroom, a new, delicious scent welcomed him; a weird mixture of orange and honey. Probably Hyunjin’s new shampoo.

He turned the lights off, leaving only the bedside lamp on, and went to sit on his desk to play the last Spotify playlist Jisung sent him. Airpods in and music blasting in his ears, he picked the black notebook and started rewriting all the recent ideas he typed in his phone.

His thoughts jumped to Hyunjin, to their earlier conversation on the patio, to what he felt. _ Shit I can’t say out loud _, so he wrote: “he’s the first and the last, my feelings are ravenous and will go even after we are the past. I have only one heart and nothing can pull us apart.”

He looked at Hyunjin who was laying on his side, facing his phone placed against a pillow. He was dressed in a simple pull-over and black shorts, granting Changbin of the sight of his long legs. Of his toned thighs and of the curve of his butt, leading to the slope of his waist and the hollow of his collarbones. Slowly, Changbin’s focus drifted to the steamy images flooding his mind. Images of Hyunjin, naked, and panting; images of those interminable legs spread apart. 

He was between them.

_ Sheathing the sword. _

He snorted at the silly metaphor, remembering the time they were in the studio and shyly talked about sex.

“Are you thinking about something inappropriate?” Hyunjin suddenly asked with a knowing grin.

Manifestly, they weren’t that shy anymore.

“Yes,” Changbin answered. He stretched out, parting his thighs because his dick had started to swell.

“Was it about me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you mind sharing?”

“Yes.”

Hyunjin frowned, sitting up and crossing his arms over his chest.

“If it’s about me, I’m allowed to know!”

“Nope.” Changbin grinned and showed him the front cover of his notebook. “It’s written that I can’t say anything out loud.”

“Whatever, I know everything already,” he replied in a casual tone, flopping back down and bringing his feet near his butt. His shorts rode down his thighs, that didn’t help.

“You don’t have enough imagination for that,” Changbin teased as he averted his eyes from the bare skin and crossed his feet on the bed.

Hyunjin playfully kicked them down, giggling when the older climbed on the bed in a flash to roll him to the edge until he fell on the soft rug.

“I know you want to sheath the sword,” Hyunjin declared while trying to grab the other’s arm to pull him down face first. “Your sword in my sheath!”

Changbin stopped playing, suddenly hyper aware of how Hyunjin could perceive his desire. He sat back, palming himself and squeezing till it hurt. He remembered the time when he felt nothing. When he beat his hormones up so he wouldn’t feel like a predator. In the end, sexuality stayed one of the rare things he didn’t have a total grasp of. It was still all new despite the numerous times they touched each other. New, but also violent to have all these dirty thoughts coming at once each time he was alone with Hyunjin. He had basic notions of sex, like consent and protection, yet he didn’t know if being horny all the time was common occurrence_ . _

Hyunjin wasn’t horny all the time. And he didn’t like being completely naked during a heated session either. He didn’t speak bad words, he couldn’t even say the word dick without fidgeting in discomfort.

“Why am I like this?” He let out as Hyunjin sat cross-legged in front of him.

“Like what?”

“Like a bad person. When we’re alone, you’re all I think about. I want to do everything with you and to you.” He explained carefully. “I can’t control myself and I hate it.”

Hyunjin tilted his head. In a small voice, he asked, “isn’t that normal to have desires? We’re young and it feels good so we always want more.”

“But you don’t seem to be like me.” 

The idea of Hyunjin not being into it as much as he was crossed his mind for a second, adding weight to his worries about their mutual attraction and the possibility of not being on the same page despite everything they had done before. Maybe Hyunjin didn’t desire him anymore? Doubting the younger’s feelings was ridiculous because he loved him and wanted him, but he couldn’t help the anxiety taking over his reason.

“I am like you. It’s just that… most of the time, my mind doesn’t follow what my body wants,” Hyunjin told him, playing with the folds of the blanket. “Also, we were raised differently.”

“We were.” Changbin felt bad for forgetting about that part of Hyunjin’s life, which was also his, but they definitely had different approaches to it.

“That’s why some things don’t feel right yet. I want to but I guess I need more time. I’m sorry,” he murmured the apology. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I feel the same too. We just have different relations to... all of that.” 

“That’s true.”

“So don’t worry about me.” Hyunjin shot him a reassuring smile.

“Okay.” Changbin extended his arms and Hyunjin happily fell into the embrace. 

“This is all I need, you know,” he whispered against the older’s neck. “I don’t need more or something else. Just you and what we have. I hope it stays like this forever.”

Changbin smiled in the softness of his black hair. 

“You smell really nice,” he said, earning a giggle from the younger who then pecked him tenderly.

They laid down under the sheets after turning off all the lights. Hyunjin wrapped himself around him, caressing his skull. His fingers lingered on the back of his neck, to his jawline and cheeks, where he tapped this nose with the tip of his forefinger. He gave him a fond smile, and leaned to kiss him. A slow, shyer kiss that was also very calming. 

The perfect kiss before falling asleep.

In the morning, after a quick breakfast, they waited for Hyunjin’s bus as he had a dance lesson in the afternoon. Changbin would have gone with him to join Chan and Jisung there, but his sister was coming home today and he couldn’t miss the chance to spend time with her.

They were laying down side by side on the trampoline, watching the grey clouds and the birds flying from roofs to trees to roofs again. Changbin hoped none of them would defecate right on top of their heads. That would be gross, but also funny; funny to see Hyunjin yelp in disgust.

He let out a snicker, picturing the younger’s face all scrunched up, his mouth wide open, his eyes turned into two crescents and his hands helplessly shaking around his hair. Hyunjin shot him a questioning look, to which Changbin just kissed his forehead as an answer. Of course, Hyunjin’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, his lips already forming a slight pout.

“You’re cute,” Changbin explained in lazy shrug. “Can’t help it.”

“I didn’t do anything,” the younger observed, turning to snuggle into the other. “But okay, I’d rather be cute than annoying.”

“Don’t worry, you’re never annoying. You could slap me in the face and I’d thank you,” Changbin said in a teasing tone.

Hyunjin smacked his chest in offense. With a frown, he asked, “you always joke about pain. Why?”

“I’m just being honest.”

“Is being in love with me painful?”

“Yes, but in a good way.” Too much feelings in a small body.

Hyunjin had now a serious look on his face. His arm tightened around Changbin’s waist, gripping his hoodie as he started to tense.

“Would you let me abuse you?”

“No.”

“But… you sound like I could do anything and you’d accept it.”

Changbin ran his hand through Hyunjin’s hair, down to his neck and to the beginning of his tailbone. It rested there, one finger pressing against the first bump.

“I’m like this because I’m with you. I know you. I’m just in love with you.”

“I would never hurt you.”

“I know.”

“I don’t like when you joke about being hurt.”

“I won’t happen again.”

“It will, because it’s your weird sense of humor.”

“Probably.”

As a glint of sorrow passed across his eyes, Hyunjin shifted closer until their foreheads touched.

“Love is hard to understand.”

“It is.”

“You’d do everything for me.”

“Yes.”

Hyunjin’s heartbeats thrummed in his ears. Witnessing Changbin’s vulnerability was so rare, it freaked him out. He hadn’t fathomed yet how much the older loved him despite all the gestures, all the words, all the endless flirting. Now, he was just witnessing everything vividly.

“Me too,” he finally whispered.

“Why does everything I say make you sad?” Changbin frowned, turning on his side and gently stroking the younger’s hair. “It’s worrying. I suck as being your boyfriend.”

“No, you don’t. You’re the best for me, I already told you that.”

“But you’re still sad.”

“I’m not sad. It’s just hard to understand my feelings. It’s a lot to take at once.”

“Yeah, I have that too.”

Hyunjin let out a sigh. His sweet breath ghosted over Changbin’s nose.

“What made you laugh earlier?” He asked, playing with the lace of the older’s hoodie.

“I imagined a bird shitting on you. So amusing!” Changbin started laughing as soon as Hyunjin made a disgusted face.

“Is poop funny to you?” The younger smacked him again. “Me and poop? That’s very mature!” 

He rolled away but Changbin caught him, his fingers going to tickle him in all the sensitive places.

“As my boyfriend, you’re obligated to laugh with me!”

“Not if it’s at my expense,” Hyunjin protested in between giggles.

They stopped tickling each other when Changbin’s phone started ringing. It was an alarm for the bus.

“We should get going,” he said, sitting up after turning the alarm off.

“I don’t want to,” the younger whined, nuzzling at the nape of his neck and clinging to him.

“We have to. Go back to… not kissing anymore,” Changbin let out with an exaggerated sigh.

Hyunjin giggled. They kissed some more on the trampoline. They kissed on the way inside the house, tripping on the flower display cases. They kissed in the hall, with Hyunjin’s shoe hanging off his foot because Changbin tiptoed to capture his lips. They kissed against the front door; their last kiss.

While they walked to the bus station, a bunch of dark birds flew across the street. Changbin remembered the ring Jeongin gave him weeks ago. So he asked, “why a crow?”

“Would you rather be a pizza?” Hyunjin demanded as he stared at him.

“I’m a pizza because it makes our fans laugh,” Changbin responded simply, kicking a stone with the tip of his shoe. His hands were deep in his pocket, his cap hung low, his shoulders going left, right, left, right. 

Hyunjin smiled, taking in the small figure in all black walking like he was about to punch someone in the face. Yes, definitely a crow. All dark and intimidating and tiny.

“Well, I say you deserve to be an animal just like the rest of us,” he stated. “Not a triangle shaped thing, no matter how funny it is.”

“Couldn’t I be a panther? Or… a snake! Like Bobby.”

“A tiny snake then. A worm!”

“Nevermind. I’m fine being a crow, actually.”

Hyunjin gave him a toothy smile.

“I picked it up!” He said proudly. “Crows remind me of you.”

“Oh yeah? Let me guess… they’re small and loud, just like me.”

“They’re also sociable birds. They’re funny and very smart,” Hyunjin told him with enthusiasm. His knowledge didn’t go as far as what he had learned through online videos. “And they are cunning. They can fly, they’re free. Like you.”

“I’m not free. You can’t be free under capitalism,” he let out in a fake sad tone, still kicking that same stone.

They had arrived at the bus stop by now.

“I meant, free in mind,” the younger corrected, stepping on the rolling stone. “And they have black feathers, that’s the main point of you being a crow.”

“Are the crows picking the shiny things they see? Maybe you’re my shiny thing.”

“Nah, those are the magpies.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes but his lips curled up anyway.

“I’m sure crows like shiny things too.” Changbin said in a cocky grin, seeing a blush burgeoning on the younger’s cheeks. “There’s something you don’t know about crows, though.”

“What is it?”

“They stay with the same partner throughout their lives.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hyunjin just finished practicing. He had sent a message to Changbin before leaving, asking where he was and if he could join him. “I’m in Chan’s studio with Jisung. We’re brainstorming. Please come so I can hold your hand. I’m freezing,” the older had replied.

Loud, aggressive music welcomed him the moment he passed his head through the door. The room was almost pitch-black, smelled like deodorant and cola, and was as cold as the outside. Honestly, Hyunjin wondered how they could work in these conditions. 

Someone blinded him with their phone’s flashlight and, surprised, Hyunjin banged his head against the wall behind him. He heard Jisung snicker in the dark, and a light was switched on. He saw Chan, Changbin and Jisung sprawled on the couch, the two younger rappers squeezed to each side of the leader’s body so they could get a closer look on the open book on his lap. Hyunjin recognized the occult work Changbin had picked in the library.

“Why is it so cold here?” He asked them, collapsing on the couch and resting his head on Changbin’s thigh. He smiled up at him, toothy and cute. Changbin could spot his dental cavities from eating jellies too much.

“Chan is in heat,” he replied playfully. He reached to insert his hand into one of Hyunjin’s sleeves wherein they intertwined their fingers.

“I’m not in heat.”

“You’re in heat,” Jisung affirmed, one of his leg hanging off the armrest. “And you keep us warm.”

Chan rolled his eyes, then he looked down at Hyunjin. “I’m putting us in good condition.”

“What condition?” Hyunjin didn’t understand their modus operandi. They all looked tired, with dark circles and sleepy eyes. They didn’t even articulate their words properly.

“A spooky condition,” the leader explained, turning the page of the book. “Like we’re lost in the dark of a cold forest and all we hear are our breathings and our hearts pulsating in our ears.”

Jisung took note of everything Chan had said in one of the many bland notebooks offered by the company.

“Why?” Hyunjin asked again as he made himself comfortable against Changbin, his cheek squished against the older’s belly. The latter grinned down at him and started stroking his hair with his free hand.

“Why not? Scary shit is the trend. It’s October, baby!” Jisung shout with the pen in his mouth.

Chan kept on flipping the pages and stopped at one depicting a witch holding a lit candle.

“Candle,” he announced. “Fire.”

“Smoke.”

“Suffocation.”

“Death.”

“Cadavers.”

“Wait!” Jisung exclaimed as he wrote down all the words for the brainstorming. “You’re going too fast.”

“Hyunjin, you can participate if you want,” Chan told him, leaning his head on top of Jisung’s. “One more brain means more ideas.”

“It’s too dark for me.” Hyunjin’s lips formed a pout and Changbin pinched his cheek.

“Your ideas don’t have to be dark,” the older reassured him with a squeeze of his hand. “Don’t think, just say the first word that comes into your mind.”

“I still think you guys watched too many horror movies,” Hyunjin pointed out. “Maybe that’s why you’re all having nightmares.”

“No, it’s because we’re watching the news,” Chan corrected as he stretched himself out. The book almost slipped off his lap but Changbin kept it in place. “Anyway, let’s finish this.”

“Okay! Blood,” Jisung kept going.

“Band-aid,” Hyunjin said.

“Wounds.”

“Scars.”

“Past.”

“Memories.”

“Nightmares.”

“Ghosts.”

“Reality.”

“Illusion.”

“Insanity.”

“Hospital.”

“Healing.”

“Strength.”

“Opposition.”

“Rebellion.”

“Corruption.”

“War.”

“Change.”

“Nice!” Chan vocalized in English. “We’re getting somewhere.”

They kept brainstorming on various words such as moon, flowers, skull, power, crystals, or amulet. At the word wand, Jisung said dick and Chan added _ shellfish _ to which Hyunjin let out a long _ eeewww _ and the three of them snickered. 

By the time they finished, Hyunjin was curled up against Changbin whose arm was wrapped around his waist. The laptop on the table still played obscure music he absolutely hated, sounding like a bunch of pigs in agony.

“Don’t your heads hurt with all that noise?”

“What do you mean? It’s so pleasant to hear, so soothing,” Jisung ironically grumbled under the notebook placed flat on his face.

Chan closed his laptop, causing the silence to abruptly deafen them.

“We should go. It’s almost three in the morning.”

But none of them moved, so he opened his laptop and a horrible scream slammed against the walls along with the sound of drums going insane. They all jumped in surprise, to Chan’s enjoyment.

“Let’s go,” he told them in a categorical tone.

Outside, the rain poured like there was no tomorrow. They all fastened their bags around their shoulders and pulled their hoods over their heads. “We’re lucky that we all wear the same shit,” Changbin pointed out with his hands in his pockets. He was freezing, shaking from head to toe, just like the rest of them. Chan counted to three and they all ran under the rainfall. They stopped at a bus stop to catch their breaths, colliding with each other because there wasn’t enough room under the roof. Hyunjin hugged Changbin from behind, hiding his face in his neck, where the collar of his hoodie kept him arm.

“Penguin hugs!” Jisung exclaimed as he squeezed himself against them. 

Changbin groaned, the bodies trapping him were warm and cold at the same time, and also very wet. They smelled like wind, and water, and cold and wet fabric, if those things altogether had any odor.

“This looks like apocalypse is coming,” Chan said, extending his hand out to where the roof wasn’t protecting them from rain. His palm shook under the heavy raindrops. “It feels nice though.”

“Define nice,” Changbin demanded. 

“Something you don’t encounter often.”

“How poetic.”

“Right. My balls are freezing right now, how does that sound?” Jisung complained, jumping in place, to Changbin’s displeasure.

“Sounds gross,” Chan told him in a grin.

They ran again. The dorm wasn’t that far, especially since they had cut the length of time in half by running, so it was okay to run in the chilly night. It felt weirdly good, to be honest. Like they were alone in the world, with only the sound of the rain and the streetlights giving them guidance. Like they were racing with no purpose, but it felt amazing, it felt like they were in a world that didn’t exist.

Nevertheless, the daydream crashed once they stepped foot inside, taking their drenched clothes off as discreetly as they could since everyone was already sleeping. Jisung claimed the shower first and Chan went to grab a snack in the kitchen, telling them that he didn’t mind to shower last.

“I’m cold,” Hyunjin whispered sleepily from the couch where he was hugging a pillow. He was in his boxer shorts, shaking under the thin layer of his damp shirt. And when Changbin came closer, he let go of the pillow to wrap his arms around the older’s middle instead. “You’re warm.” He rubbed his face against his belly, tightening his embrace and making cute muffled noises.

“Don’t fall asleep before showering.” Changbin affectionately brushed his hand through the dripping hair, then kissed the crown of his head. “You’ll be grumpy tomorrow.”

“You know I won’t,” Hyunjin responded as he looked up, and his eyes fluttered shut. In a small voice, he added, “maybe I will after all...”

Changbin let out a chuckle despite the fatigue. His thorax vibrated from the laugh, making Hyunjin blink awake, then stare at him with a sly grin.

“What?”

“Your heartbeat is matching mine,” Hyunjin softly chirped.

Changbin was chilled, but here, in the silence of the room, Hyunjin’s sparkling eyes warmed him in a way nothing else could.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. <3
> 
> twt: @hyuniebinie


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